Top 10 Best Music Videos Ever Made

1. "New York Is Killing Me" by Gil Scott-Heron

Directed by Chris Cunningham, 2010

2. "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

Directed by Mark Romanek, 1994

3. "No Surprises" by Radiohead

Directed by Grant Gee, 1997

4. "Hurt" by Johnny Cash

Directed by Mark Romanek, 2003

5. "Rubber Johnny" by Aphex Twin

Directed by Chris Cunningham, 2005

6. "We Were Once a Fairytale" by Kanye West

Directed by Spike Jonze, 2009

7. "Windowlicker" by Aphex Twin

Directed by Chris Cunningham, 1999

8. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins

Directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, 1996

9. "The Loop Closes" by How to Destroy Angels

Directed by Rob Sheridan, 2013

10. "Around The World" by Daft Punk

Directed by Michel Gondry, 1997

Top 10 Songs of 2014

1. "Do You" by Spoon

I was on 45th. I was half out of a bag. Yeah I knew that you saw me. You laughed when I looked back. I thought I'd given up, now it didn't feel so bad. And then a shock went through me and then I walked right back. Do you want to get understood? Or do you want one thing or are you looking for sainthood? Do you run when it's just getting good? Or do you? Do you? Do you? Do you? Someone get popsicles. Someone do something about the heat. Because it's late in October and tar's still melting in the streets. You tiptoe for ages but lose yourself. Flipping back pages, unbuckling belts. Oh love, that's the way love comes. Do you? Don't you know that that's the way love comes? Do you feel it black and blue? Or do you? Do you? Do you? Do you?

2. "Human Sadness" by Julian Casablancas + The Voidz

Put money in my hand and I will do the things you want me to. Vanity. Overriding wisdom. Usually common sense. Should I delete it? You said you'd read it. You promised you would never ruin it with sequels. I wake for you on and on. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is. The moon's a skull, I think it's grinning. The room is full of people now I think it's spinning. Wanted you. Didn't ask for nothing. Wait for you on and on. And I don't need your tie. I don't need to, tired of saying it. We don't need more talk. Don't empty out your canteen on the desert floor. It's all my fault. Never want to spell it out. I just want to say that it is all my fault. I could never spit it out. I don't want to fix your tie. Never want to say we're sad. Thankful that we got some change. I know you won't get back your time. I wish that you could take it back. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. He wanted it more than me, I suppose. I was in a rush to wait in a line. Now I hear echoes of my old self, this is not the way to be. All at once, I lost my way. Is it not true, the things that we did? Come here at once and look what they did. Come here, shut down, and tune in tonight. Learn the words that they teach you without you realizing it. Come here, sit down, and watch some TV. Mine all mine. Wait your turn. Cross my cross. Slice his hand. Not your son. Not your friend. Not your enemy. I rely on the little things to get me by. Conscience says I'm ok. You don't hear what they say. He's not my son, search his home. Off to war. It's time to go hide inside. Soft skin, weak chin. Just walk me through it. Tell me what to do, I'll do it. Hurry hurry back my baby. Do what you can. All the time, he waits for me. And now we talk from time to time. Hits you on the head when nobody's there, then he says come here could you fix my tie? It's never going to be, to be is not the way to be. Show me where to go. Don't get angry so quickly. Fuck depression. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there. Understanding is more important than love. If not, money will always trump justice. All is lost. I'll find my way. So I say, to be is not to be. To be is not the way to be.

3. "Waking Light" by Beck

Waking light. Your profile in shadow. Raise yourself to the morning alone. Night is gone. Long way turning. You've waited long enough to know. When the memory leaves you somewhere you can't make it home. When the morning comes to meet you, lay me down in waking light. No one sees you here. Roots are all covered. There's such a life to go and how much can you show? Day is gone on a landslide a-reeling. It's in your lamplight burning low. When the memory leaves you somewhere you can't make it home. When the morning comes to meet you, rest your eyes in waking light. When the memory leaves you somewhere you can't make it home. When the morning comes to meet you, open your eyes with waking light.

4. "Where No Eagles Fly" by Julian Casablancas + The Voidz

Please come on babe, they'll end up all confused. What's the point of telling people if they won't use it? Fly on the wall. Bird of prey in the mall. It's the eye in the sky where no eagles fly. Meat, predators eat meat. Predators eat meat. Ceremony or a speech, in a church or on a beach. Predators eat. The wolf will cry sheep as they take him away. We plot in our sleep but follow orders all day. The rhythm is for you but the song is for me. The meaning might be secret but the melody is free. Meat, predators eat meat. Predators eat meat. Let all my big dreams sink in. No one to enjoy it with. Oblivious. Stay oblivious. Why can you not be more like me? Hiding in a nearby tree. Business, business. I forget. Pray for predators I guess. Uh-oh, uh-oh, here we go. All our future's through that door. Future future's come to this. Everybody cheats I guess. Let's go down to Mexico. There's a couple guys I know. All our future's come to this. I don't want my friends to know. All our future's come to this. I don't want our friends.

5. "Sanctified" by Rick Ross

There's a field with angels moving around me. I just worship thee, for all he's done for me. It's a new day. I have been born again. I've been born again. I've been born again. In his spirit, and his name, I'm sanctified. Lord I testify. He's right by my side. I believe it be. His word is so clear to me. Ok. All I want's a hundred million dollars and a bad bitch. Plus that paper chasing. It done turn me to a savage. Groupies in the lobby, they just tyring to get established. God I've been guilty, fornicating from my status. All I wanted was a hundred million dollars and a bad bitch. Plus that paper chasing, it had turned me to a savage. Groupies in the lobby they just trying to get established. God I've been guilty, fornicating from my status. Niggas be loving the old Ye, they saying the new Ye, that nigga be spazzing. But when Ali turn up and be Ali, you can't ever change that nigga back to Cassius. So you can go on and make up lies, but I'm so sanctified. I don't sweat it, wipe my forehead with a handkerchief. And wash my sins in the blood of Jesus. People saying Ye we need another Yeezus. Lames try to tell me cut the wilin' out. But who the fuck is you reaching? Pass me thirty bottles. Champagne procession. That's that holy water. Sanctified refreshments. God sent me a message, said I'm too aggressive. Really? Me? Too aggressive? I can feel his blessings wash away my sins. I'm sanctified and I have been born again. Now I proclaim hallowed be thy name. Ok. All I want's a hundred million dollars and a bad bitch. Plus that paper chasing. It done turn me to a savage. Groupies in the lobby, they just tyring to get established. God I've been guilty, fornicating from my status. Keys to my success, I get new keys and new address. Bitches that I date don't get degrees but they can dress. Fellatio's amazing. Make grilled cheese for you, the best. Major cult figure, I'm the fresh David Koresh. Soldiers all in Gators. New Mercedes for cadets. Balmain uniform. You know Donda designed the vest. Double M. That be the Army. Better yet, the Navy. Baby seen me in that Wraith. Wanna have my baby. All I wanted was a hundred million dollars and a bad bitch. Now I want two hundred and ménage in my palace. Walking out the jeweler with no mothafucking balance. Somewhere in Jamaica I'm still holding on my chalice. Rims on my Ferrari. My bitch said that I was childish. Til I fuck a girl. That girl tweeted that I was stylish. When we fucked again, she told me that was just some foul shit. I walk into the room, you can even hear all the silence. I can feel his blessings wash away my sins. I'm sanctified and I have been born again. Now I proclaim hallowed be thy name.

6. "Wanderlust" by Wild Beasts

We're decadent beyond our means. We've a zeal. We feel the things they'll never feel. They're solemn in their wealth. We're high in our poverty. We see the things they never see. Wanderlust. With us the world feels voluptuous. I just feel more with us. It's a feeling that I've come to trust. Now that you answer to me I'll tell you how I want to feel. Now that the walls have been broke I'll tell you how I want to feel. Wanderlust. With us the world feels voluptuous. I just feel more with us. It's a feeling that I've come to trust. It's a feeling that I've come to trust. It's a feeling that I've come. Don't confuse me with someone who gives a fuck. Funny how that little pound'll buy a lot of luck. Don't confuse me with someone who gives a fuck. In your mother tongue, what's the verb to suck? Don't confuse me with someone who gives a fuck. Funny how that little pound'll buy a lot of luck. Don't confuse me with someone who gives a fuck. In your mother tongue, what's the verb to suck? Don't confuse me with someone who gives a fuck. Funny how that little pound'll buy a lot of luck.

7. "Oceans" by Coldplay

Wait for your call, love. The call never came. I'm ready to fall, love. Ready to claim. I'm ready for it all, love. I'm ready for the pain. Meet under sun and meet me again in the rain. In the rain. In the rain. The rain. Behind the walls, love. I'm trying to change. And I'm ready for it all, love. I'm ready for the change. Meet me in a blue sky. Meet me again in the rain. The rain, the rain. In the rain, the rain. Got to find yourself alone in this world. Got to find yourself alone.

8. "Guess Again" by Thom Yorke

Wild dogs are howling behind the curtains. I hold onto my children. The creatures staring in. All of my nightmares are in the garden. Guess again. I'm fighting in the darkness. The one who can't be killed. Elastic imbionic man. Guess again. As one door shuts another opens. Guess again. Do you think your mind blows up? Do you think your mind blows up? Do you think your mind blows up? Guess again. Do you think your mind blows up? Do you think?

9. "Johnny And Mary" by Todd Terje

Johnny's always running around trying to find certainty. He needs all the world to confirm that he ain't lonely. Mary counts the walls. Knows he tires easily. Johnny thinks the world would be right if it could buy truth from him. Mary says he changes his mind more than a woman. But she made her bed. Even when the chance was slim. Running around. Running around. Johnny says he's willing to learn when he decides he's a fool. Johnny says he'd live anywhere when he earns the time. Mary combs her hair. Says she should be used to it. Mary always hedges her bets. She never knows what to think. She says that he still acts like he's being discovered. Scared that he'll be caught without a second thought. Running around. Running around. Running around. Running around. Johnny feels he's wasting his breath trying to talk sense to her. Mary says he's lacking a real sense of proportion. So she combs her hair. Knows he tires easily. Johnny's always running around trying to find certainty. He needs all the world to confirm that he ain't lonely. Mary counts the walls. Says she should be used to it. Running around. Running around. Running around. Running around.

10. "Sleep Like A Baby Tonight" by U2

Morning. Your toast, your tea and sugar. Read about a politician's lover. Go through the day like knife through butter. Why don't you dress in the colors of forgiveness? Your eyes as red as Christmas. Purple robes are folded on the kitchen chair. You're going to sleep like a baby tonight. In your dreams everything is alright. Tomorrow dawns like someone else's suicide. You're going to sleep like a baby tonight. Dreaming. It's a dirty business, dreaming. Where there is silence and not screaming. Where there's no daylight, there's no healing. No, no. You're going to sleep like a baby tonight. In your dreams everything is alright. Tomorrow dawns like a suicide but you're going to sleep like a baby tonight. Hope is where the door is. Where the church is where the war is. Where no one can feel no one else's pain. You're going to sleep like a baby tonight. In your dreams everything is alright. Tomorrow dawns like a suicide but you're going to sleep like a baby tonight. Sleep like a baby tonight. Like a bird, your dreams will take flight. Like Saint Francis covered in light. You're going to sleep like a baby tonight.

My Top 10 Favorite YouTube Videos

#1 - Dancing in the Driveway

#2 - 大きな箱とねこ。

#3 - Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit

#4 - How To Correctly Add Milk to Your Coffee

#5 - GI Joe Ice

#6 - Demon Possessed Singing Trout

#7 - Leeroy Jenkins

#8 - French Toast Sticks - Comedy Short

#9 - Madeon - Pop Culture (live mashup)

#10 - Paper Towels

Top 10 Albums of 2013

2013 was a great year for music, making it difficult to narrow down to only 10...

#1 - Yeezus by Kanye West


The "Kid A" of hip hop. Hands down best album of 2013, if not the decade so far.
Best track: I Am A God
Best lyrics: "Hurry up with my damn croissants!"
Download Full Album

#2 - Random Access Memories by Daft Punk

Random Access Memories

I'm pretty sure every musical idea that's ever been so much as thought up is on this album.
Best track: Doin' It Right
Best lyrics: "If you lose your way tonight, that's how you know the magic's right"
Download Full Album

#3 - Reflektor by Arcade Fire


Arcade Fire's rhythm section gets a much-needed overhaul and Win Butler finally stops singing about kids.
Best track: Afterlife
Best lyrics: "When love is gone, where does it go?"
Download Full Album

#4 - Sunbather by Deafheaven


The only "metal" album I've ever liked. Has just as much in common with Sigur Ros as it does Immortal.
Best track: Dream House
Best lyrics: "I'm dying."
Download Full Album

#5 - Slow Focus by Fuck Buttons

Slow Focus

Super menacing electronic album jam-packed with drones, strings, and darkness.
Best track: Hidden Xs
Best lyrics: (None/No Lyrics)
Download Full Album

#6 - Hesitation Marks by Nine Inch Nails

Hesitiation Marks

The middle lags (containing 3 of the worst NIN songs ever made) but the ending makes up for it - as the last 2 minutes of this album are the best minutes of music created in 2013.
Best track: Copy of A
Best lyrics: "Hey! Everything is not OK!"
Download Full Album

#7 - Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend

Modern Vampires of the City

Vampire Weekend's most cohesive album yet - puts me in the mood for some serious crabcakes & football.
Best track: Step
Best lyrics: "Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth."
Download Full Album

#8 - Trouble Will Find Me by The National

Trouble Will Find Me

I usually don't listen to douchey jock-rock but this is pretty flawless - one of those albums where you tell your buddy "It's like every song is good, man."
Best track: Don't Swallow The Cap
Best lyrics: "If you want to see me cry, play 'Let it Be' or 'Nevermind'."
Download Full Album

#9 - Comedown Machine by The Strokes

Comedown Machine

Contains a couple duds, but similar to NIN's Hesitation Marks - the last couple tracks really make up for the lag in the middle.
Best track: Welcome to Japan
Best lyrics: "Scuba dancin', touchdown."
Download Full Album

#10 - The 20/20 Experience by Justin Timberlake

The 20/20 Experience

Wonderful production and on-point singing by Timberlake. Better and more interesting R&B than Frank Ocean, Miguel, etc etc.
Best track: Pusher Love Girl
Best lyrics: "I'm your number one fiend."
Download Full Album

Ultimate Guide for Tipping in New York City
Tipping is one of the most asinine things in American culture. Unfortunately, however, it is a necessity. This is because most of these service industry low-lives are getting compensated like minors, and count on your tips to pay the rent. Also, stiffing certain people will guarantee disaster for you later. However, you don't want to feel ripped-off because you tipped too much.

These are not be-all-end-all tipping rules, but rather the best way to get by in NYC in my experience. Since I am not a wealthy socialite frequenting day spas and operas, I may have left some of those high-end tipping etiquettes off my list. Here we go...

Cab Drivers

$1.00 + Change
Cab Driver
So, if the fare is $9.70, you give him $11.00. The reason these Pakistanis tear through the streets, running red lights to get you to your meeting on time, is that they want a tip. Well, that, and they want more customers to get more tips.

It's not an easy job and the NYC cab drivers are usually on point: knowing the best shortcuts and tactics to save you time (which is probably why you're taking a taxi anyway). They make the city run, and ensure less traffic on the streets. This is not a negotiation: even if he drives slow or goes the wrong way, he's probably just new.

There are two exceptions:

  1. Borough to borough: A trip to Brooklyn is $2.00 plus change.

  2. Airports: $3.00 plus change. This way, he'll take your bags out of the trunk, making you look like a boss.

Deli Guys

Deli Guy
Yes, the deli guy has a tip jar, but it's only for suckers. Even if he hooks you up with a monster sandwich, he doesn't expect a tip. He is being paid a fair amount already, and, let's face it - he has an easier job than his delivery guy compadres.

The exception to this rule is if you frequent the deli. If this is your deli, and you get sandwiches at least twice a week, it's best to drop a dollar in the jar every 3 or 4 sandwiches. Be sure, however, that the deli is not packed with other customers, and that his back is not turned. He must see you drop the dollar in his jar.

A good rule of thumb is tipping the deli you frequent only when it's dead. This is important because he will be sure to make your sandwiches first and remember your stupid requests.

Delivery Guys

$2.00 + Change
Delivery Guy

You have to tip these guys. This is the worst job in the food industry.

They bust their ass walking up stairs, finding impossible locations, and riding their bike through NYC traffic while wearing a silly neon vest. Not to mention, although they don't remember the apartments that tip, they do remember the apartments that don't. If you stiff the delivery guy, be prepared to wait an hour next time you order from that place.

Bad weather = $4.00 plus change.


I don't care if it's the worst service you ever had, tip that bastard 20%.

If he was a true asshole, he wouldn't have a job in NYC as a waiter. Maybe he's having a bad day? Maybe he's busy? Who cares?

Waiters are the life blood of the city. Believe it or not, most of them have aspirations besides serving you lousy pasta. These are the actors, singers, artists, and musicians that make New York great, and they count on your tips to keep doing the things they love to do.

Not to mention, if you forget your bag in the restaurant, that tip is going to guarantee he puts it in the lost and found.


$1.00 Per Drink
Some people would say: Only tip the bartender for your first drink. But they are complete buffoons.

If you tip $1.00 per drink, you'll get a free drink for every five you order. Therefore, you're actually saving money. Not to mention, if a fight breaks out, wouldn't you want the staff on your side?

Speaking of free drinks - if the bartender gives you a free drink: the rule is the same. $1.00. Not $2.00. Not $3.00. $1.00 for every drink that goes into your hand. Period. (Unless you're really drunk and forgot what money is)

The exception to this rule is a packed dance club: If you just paid a $35 cover, and are now paying $14 for a mixed drink, there is no need to tip. They won't remember you anyway.

Bathroom Guys

$1 The First Time You Go
Bathroom Guy
Unlike bartenders, the bathroom guy should only be tipped the first time you go.

Sure, their job sucks (quite possibly the worst job in the service industry), but let's face it - they're not really going anywhere with their lives. They've basically given up. You shouldn't feel bad for them at all.

Stiffing these guys is not cheap. Did you ask this bastard to turn on the faucet? Did you ask him to hand you a towel? No. But he did it anyway. It's actually more awkward than anything.

He will, however, remember your face. It's best to throw him a dollar the first time you piss, to make a good first impression on the off-chance you need a drunken favor in the bathroom later (no homo, I'm talking about letting you do coke).


If you have to pay off the bouncer to get inside of a club, it's probably not a good idea to even enter. You don't fit in and there's a reason you're not invited.

Any decent bouncer wouldn't take your measly $20.00 anyway.

If you really must get into that club, and aren't with any hot chicks, why not get creative? Have your buddy run a diversion while you scope out the names on the list. Then return later, saying your name is the one you spied.

Pizza Guys

Pizza Guy
Quite often, the guy putting your pizza in the oven is the owner of the shop. This means that he is probably making more money than you do. So why give him even more?

Even if he is not the owner, putting pizza in an oven and taking it back out is not qualitative work. No one says "Damn, that pizza guy really knows how to throw a slice in the oven!" This job is the same across the board. No one pizza guy is better than another at it, which negates the entire purpose behind tipping.

Tipping these guys would be like tipping an assembly line worker.

(Note: Scummy Chinese food joints and other ethnic/culturally specific "joints" do not need tips either)


This one is tough. Normally I'd advise not to tip these slackers, but convention has defeated me.

If you don't tip in trendy coffee shops, you will look like a complete asshole to everyone else in line. To me, the dollar is worth it. Not to mention, if you plan on hanging out there and using their wi-fi like a yuppie you might want the barista to fix it if it goes down.

The exception, obviously, is chain coffee. I have no idea why someone would tip at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts. All that does is encourage the government to lower minimum wage.

Street Vendors

Street Vendor
You'd think this would be obvious, but I've actually seen these guys with tip jars lately.

Ok, so, the guy hands you a pre-heated hot dog. He is selling it for $2.00. He then tries to rip you off on water by also selling that for $2.00. You will never see him again in your life, and even if you do, there is no way he would ever remember you. He has no boss and pockets all his profits.

Oddly enough, they have dollars in their jars. Tipping street vendors is about as low as you can go.

Door Men

$5.00 Per Cab Hailed
Door Man
If you're staying at a New York hotel, the doorman will hail you a cab. When he does, give him $1.00. That's the understanding.

If you live in a building with a doorman, ask the neighbors what the custom is. Often, the neighbors will take up a collection and then divvy it up amongst the staff at Christmas time. If they don't do that, you live in the ghetto, so you should give each guy $20.00 the week before Christmas. They will remember you and let you have wasted friends over anytime.

Only an idiot would give him a dollar each time he opens the door. That is just his normal job. Everything else he does is extra, and worth the money.


If you're too lazy to carry your own bags, be prepared to tip, or avoid the lobby for the rest of your stay.

Some say you should tip bellhops $1.00 per suitcase, but I say that is too much, unless you have a bag of bricks or something.

If you're staying in a hotel, the bellhop will assume you are from out of town, and don't know the procedure. Giving him $2.00 is meeting him halfway. He probably gets $5.00 from some guests, and $1.00 from others. $2.00 is that sweet spot where you can feel like a decent member of society, but also feel like you weren't ripped-off.

(Note: If you're staying in the hotel for a few days, you might wish to leave $5.00 for the maid when you leave in the morning to ensure a clean room, but this is unnecessary. The room will not be any cleaner for your tip.)

Parking Attendants

$1.00 If You Drive A Nice Car
Parking Attendant
According to the Internet, parking attendants make only $23,000/year. But guess that? Parking in NYC costs $23/hour. No one wins.

The rule is simple: if you drive a nice car - and by nice I mean a car that is currently worth $25,000 or more, you should tip the parking attendant $1.00 upon arrival. You can probably afford a dollar to ensure it won't get scratched.

If you drive a p.o.s., tipping is completely optional - you're already paying more money than you have to these vampires.

(Note: It should go without saying that fancy valet guys get $1.00 per car move regardless)

Building Supers

$40.00 at Christmas
Building Super
If you live in a co-op like most New Yorkers, and your neighbors don't take a collection at Christmas, get ready to lose $40.00. The good news is that if you have a roommate, you can split it.

Your building supervisor is one of the most important assets you have. What if the toilet overflows on a Sunday? What if the heat goes out in the middle of the night? Who's phone call do you think he'll answer?

These guys are typically hard-ass veteran New Yorkers, and will probably never be your friend, but you don't want to make them your enemy. Sure, they're annoying as fuck, talking your ear off about pipes and cracks and blah, blah, blah, but you need them on your side. Do you really want to get yelled at for flicking cigarette butts on the front steps?

The week before Christmas, pick up a family-oriented Happy Holidays card, and write "Happy Holidays to (name) and your family." Then include a compliment. Perhaps "Thank you so much for fixing my sink last May. It's worked great ever since!"...or... "My apartment is always the right temperature, and the hallways are always so clean. Thank you for keeping our building in great shape!" Then put $40.00 inside, seal it, and put it under his door.


I can't really speak for women who get $300 hair coloring, but in my experience, a simple handshake/hand-off of a five dollar bill goes a long way.

The reason tipping is a must here, is that if you like your haircut, you will return to that salon. If you happened to stiff them the last time, why would they give a shit this time? You'll end up looking like a suburban for the next month if they don't put any effort into the cut.

Work it out, if you get very expensive haircuts, tip even more, but this is one person that needs to be tipped for your own sake.

(Note: I have never had a manicure/facial/etc, but I assume the exact same rules apply)

Laundry Guys

$20.00 at Christmas
Laundry Guy

This is the guy who washes the cum stains out of your socks and then matches them one pair at a time. He knows more about you than most.

The week before Christmas, go to Duane Reade and pick up a Happy Holidays card. Put $20.00 inside and a handwritten "Thank You".

Or would you rather him "lose" your favorite jeans and bleach your work shirts?

Coat Check

Coat Check
Coat check actually depends on where you are, so look out for a tip jar. If you see a jar, put a dollar in it.

Some places with huge amounts of traffic, like museums, won't have a jar, so don't tip them. Don't make the embarrassing move of trying to hand them money.

Why tip the coat check you ask? Well, in a small venue, they are probably friends with the owner, and volunteering their time to do it, hoping to at least get a few bucks for their trouble. Carrying your coat through a party makes you look like a fuck-up, so just pony up like everyone else and give them the dollar.

(Hint: do this when you arrive, not when you leave, which would miss the point of them guarding your shit)


$10.00 (or $30.00 for Happy Ending)
To be honest, they probably only expect a $5.00 tip, but just think about how much that job would suck: Sweaty, hairy men turn up at all hours of the night and moan and groan and order these women where to rub them next.

Most of them are probably victims of human trafficking, and have no real skills or choice in the matter, so why not give them a little sense of achievement in their lives?

If you get a happy ending out of the deal, give her an extra $20.00, making $30.00.


These days, there aren't many prostitutes roaming the streets of New York: it's all done online.

Since you'll be calling to arrange the rates and directions anyway, it's best to sort out the tip over the phone as well. When they say the rate, act like it's too expensive and you aren't sure you can afford it -- then ask, "Does that include tip?" They will say it does. This way there's no confusion.

Tipping a hooker is absolutely pointless, anyway, unless you plan on seeing them again (which is just plain creepy). It's all done via barter system, and you'll simply get what you pay for. Just be sure that when you show up, you have the exact rate in cash in your wallet. Hide your cab fare, or they might ask for it as a tip.

Homeless People

Homeless Person

Every once in awhile in New York, some homeless guy will hold a door open for you, sing for you, or try to wash your windshield, and then expect money for it.

Fuck. That.

Giving these outcasts money is worse than flushing it down the toilet. At least flushing it doesn't cause more harm. These people need serious help, and buying more Old English won't solve their problems.

If he opens the door for you and you feel bad, buy him a bag of chips. Buy him a coffee. But do not give him money. He will buy beer and then piss in the trash can in front of children.

The Best and Worst Things of 2007
Best Invention:
Worst Invention:
Bladder Buddy
Nevermind the annoying commericals, once it can finally read flash sites, this device will make computers obsolete. Just don't drop it.
Easily the worst invention from the TV series American Inventor was The Bladder Buddy. It's a bag you piss in from the bleachers.
Best News Story:
Worst News Story:
No Gays in Iran
Writers go on Strike!
As if Ahmadinejad's visit wasn't bizarre enough, he still managed out out-weird himself by saying there are no gay people in his country, confirming himself a lunatic.
Apparently, making a $Gazillion to write bad TV shows while being completely out of touch isn't good enough for the WGA. I'd rather read a book.
Best Religion:
Worst Religion:
Jehova's Witness
2 Years in a row... Judaism is the key to getting out of any boring situation. Hate your job? Invent a holiday. In fact, take a long weekend. Screw work. Yeah.
I can't really get down with a religion that involves old ladies forcing homeless people to bother me at my own house. Whatever.
Best Job:
Worst Job:
The Apprentice
Gay Politician
I always thought it would suck to be The Apprentice, until I saw the old winner coming out of his Gulfstream V to sign autographs, living large and in charge.
Being a major politician is already a pretty scrutinizable job, but having to hide your sexual preference to millions really sucks balls. Get it?
Best City:
Worst City:
New York, NY
Aspen, CO
Beyond the grime and beggars, NYC actually has a lot of interesting things going on every single second of every day. Whoever you are, there's something for you.
I don't really understand the point of this town. It may be the most fake place in the USA, and the beer doesn't flow like wine.
Best Politician:
Worst Politician:
Mike Huckabee
Larry Craig
And they're off! Huckabee is legitimately a clever trevor... a minister who sends people to the electric chair? Big government, son... He has my vote.
There sure are a lot of perverted politicians these days, but at least the others had the decency to spank outside of public restrooms.
Best Movie:
Worst Movie:
There Will Be Blood
Pirates: At World's End
PTA's masterpiece proves that our generation's greatest filmmakers didn't learn from UCLA or NYU, but by watching films in their own living rooms. New School.
I avoided it as well as I could, but I finally watched this crap during a 7 hour flight. I should've just taken 4 sleeping pills.
Best Actor:
Worst Actor:
Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood
Jon Voight in September Dawn
Who could doubt this decision? DDL gives his best performance in ages. Not nearly as over-the-top as Gangs, but not nearly as sappy as Mohicans.
Although I didn't actually see this BSM, I can accurately judge from the preview that this is the worst move of Voight's entire career. Ouch.
Best Actress:
Worst Actress:
Kelly MacDonald in No Country For Old Men
Leslie Mann in Knocked Up
She pulls off the dumb damsel in distress character without asking for any pity points. She's not even that hot... but did she live? I'm confused.
I don't watch Lindsey Lohan movies, so I have to go with Apatow's insanely unfunny wife whose improv ruined yet another film.
Best Album:
Worst Album:
Year Zero (Nine Inch Nails)
Volta (Bjork)
Now this is what the end of the world should sound like! Trent Reznor finally turns off MTV and makes an album for his amazing mass of cult fans.
The fine line between music and noise becomes very blurry in this ear-bleeder. I generally don't mind Bjork but this whole album reeks.
Best Song:
Worst Song:
"All I Need " by Radiohead
"Rockstar" by Nickelback
Pyramid Song's little brother remains quite stripped-down but becomes the most relevant song in ages. Infinity? OK... You got it.
This may be the most ridiculous song/video combination ever made. Many have considered the lip-synch idea, but never stooped to that level.
Best Tour:
Worst Tour:
Caustic Christ
Check it out: An indie band that doesn't sound like The Killers. The Ex-Friends don't even put on much of a show, besides jam-tastic good-time tunes.
Yo, I couldn't understand a word these cyber-punks were screaming. I just saw a bunch of skinny white nerds butting heads to the wretched noise.
Best TV Show:
Worst TV Show:
The Tyra Banks Show
Although the series had its dull moments, the finale really brought the episodes together, and Gervais's message about fame & success came across nicely.
I never really bought into the saying: "Everything that's wrong with America"... until I saw this show. Sucks to be fat.
Best Radio Program:
Worst Radio Program:
Coast to Coast AM
The Laura Ingraham Show
George Noory wins for the 3rd year in a row. I am starting to think this show has no real competition. Even satellite radio has nothing on Coast.
I used to listen to her just to get angry... but ever since she visited the Green Zone, she's gotten too cocky to even suffer through.
Best Magazine:
Worst Magazine:
Time Out
Even though it's for chicks, this magazine still has pretty solid reviews, and its event listings can't be bested... no matter which city you're in.
It's not so much the content of this ridiculous publication, but the fact that I am forced to read celebrity gossip while in line to buy snacks.
Best Athlete:
Worst Athlete:
Joe Torre
Michael Vick
Sure, he's a manager, and I'm no Yankees fan, but Torre really showed the unappreciative billionares who's the man by giving the big F.U. to their silly antics.
Just when I thought pro athletes had done it all, Vick's Bad Newz Dogfighting kennels were found. Then he acted all innocent. Gay.
Best Sport's Moment:
Worst Sport's Moment:
Da Bears
The World Series
Chicago takes the NFC championship to face The Colts in what can only be described as the coolest midwestern sports match-up in decades.
The World Series in general was the worst moment in 2007 sports. I can only assume that no one in Denver believes in God anymore.
Best Artist:
Worst Artist:
Matt Keegan
Shepard Fairey
Keegan's non-stop modern art exhibits in Chelsea were nothing compared to the "Hands Across America" project that he has in the works. I'm not biased.
How is it that an artist today can get hired by one of the biggest bands in the world, and make such a piece of shit trash-bag cover?
Best Website:
Worst Website:
OK, I finally admit that I use this daily. It's probably the most important site currently online, and really puts the You in TIME's person of the year.
MTV actually managed to make a website just as annoying as their channel. The clumsy flash makes any computer melt-down upon entry.
Best Car:
Worst Car:
Hyundai Elantra
Porsche Cayenne
This little number is really all you need on today's highways. It's affordable with decent gas mileage, but also not nearly as boring as a Civic.
Perfect for guys who wear socks with sandals: This SUV made by Porsche was created for soccer moms in a hurry or a family of 4 douche-bags.
Best Drug:
Worst Drug:
I can't decide what's better: a bottle of wine, 4 bloody mary's, or a 6 pack of Pale Ale. In any case, I'd rather be wasted than typing dumb shit on the internet.
Just say no. Cigarettes turn you into a stinky paper zombie. I seriously pity the fool who can't manage kick the bad habit.
Best Store:
Worst Store:
Century 21
Circuit City
Why pay full price for clothes at some snooty store with only a few items? At Century 21 you can gear up on sick Penguin attire like all the other mad shoppers.
How can I look through the CDs you don't have when I'm being getting attacked by leeches that work on comission? No, I don't want a 60" TV.
Best Restaurant:
Worst Restaurant:
Red Lobster
Pizza Inn
Even though they ditched the beads in the Lobsterita, this chain still dominates with their buttery bread, caesar salad & build-your-own feast trifecta.
I'd love to meet the genius who came up with the idea for this restaurant. How could he sit in a room with a straight face and pitch this? Yuck.
Best Food:
Worst Food:
Caesar Salad
Canned Peaches
Caesar salad (hold the chicken) is the best appetizer of the year. It goes with almost any meal and basically just makes you a lot more hungry for the main course. 5 for 5 beatch! These little slimey puke-wads still make me want to cut my tongue out and just eat baby food forever.
Best Hang Out:
Worst Hang Out:
New York Public Library
With wireless internet, text messaging, digital cable, indoor heating, home delivery, and fuzzy pillows I see no need to ever stand up anymore. Zzzzz...
How can people sit there and pretend to be on the internet when the place is so packed? Don't they feel bad wasting valuable seating space?
Best Accesory:
Worst Accesory:
Cubs Hat
Fake Glasses
You can look dope and support a completely neutral team. Why wear a hat that 90% of baseball fans will hate you for? Cubbies are always a favorite.
Glasses are supposed to make you look smarter... all these do is make you look like a drunk skank from NYU.
Best Hair-Do:
Worst Hair-Do:
If you want your hair to appear messed-up, why not just pay your little sister to cut it with play scissors and then wash it with hard water? It's almost too easy.
Looking like you just got a trendy haircut is a recipe for embarrassment, particularly if you got it both featherd & styled for around $35.

Top 5 Reviews: 90's Songs

Somehow, I avoided just making a list of the top five songs from OK Computer...

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Top 5 Reviews: 70's Songs
TOP 5 - 1970's Songs

What a tough choice. Thanks to all my friends' older brothers for introducing me to these songs.

Read full review

The Best and Worst Things of 2006
written by Kenny Anderson

Best Invention:
Worst Invention:
The Loc8tor
The Chia Alarm Clock
Simply attach a transmitter to your keys, wallet, or whatever you usually lose, and the Loc8tor will find it for you. Perfect for total losers like myself.
This is Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheezy as hell. Who'd want to wake up to that annoying-ass song? Alarm Clocks are for working class slops anyways.
Best News Story:
Worst News Story:
Saddam Executed
Immigration Protest

Justice was served when this goonatic got hung mid-sentence as he was taunted by masked men. Dude was killed like a sick pig.

Is illegal immigration news? No one was going to do anything relevant, nor will they ever. These guys need to rent Traffic and relax.
Best Religion:
Worst Religion:
Matisyahu is dead ill. Not to mention Jews get tons of days off. While the rest of us "celebrated" Columbus Day, these fools slept in for Yom Kippur.
 Atheism seems just plain goofy. Even if there is no God, isn't it worth a gamble just in case you end up gnashing your teeth in hell? Please.
Best Job:
Worst Job:
Pro Skateboarder
Coal Miner
These skalanktroids get $Millions for simply playing games in school parking lots and sporting DC shirts. Then they get their own MTV show.
Mining Coal sucks plenty, but being trapped in the mine and suffocating on your own skank would be enough to scare Loretta Lynn's dad!
Best City:
Worst City:
Austin, TX
Green Bay, WI
2 years in a row, ATX dominates the metropolis's to win best city. SXSW, official pretty girls, and superb BBQ were the deciding factors.
GB offers nothing of value. The lame casino and ugly strippers try to help, but utterly fail. Plus they all talk weird. "Would ya like a baaaag?"
Best Politician:
Worst Politician:
Nancy Pelosi
Dick Cheney
I welcome San Franciso values: Gay fags, bum cash, street urination, and fucking over the military. Hail to the first lady of sin!
This "straight shooter" took all your income tax and lined his pockets with bird shot. Then he told that Bush drone to "stay the course".
Best Movie:
Worst Movie:
Jackass Number Two
Gridiron Gang
From the opening penis-mouse sequence, I didn't stop laughing. Even the bloopers were worth staying in the theater for.
Even though I didn't see the movie, the preview was enough for this to warrant worst. Gridiron doesn't step up to the challenge.
Best Actor:
Worst Actor:
Daniel Craig in Casino Royale
Daniel Johnston in Devil & Daniel Johnston
Finally, a real Bond. I actually liked Brosnan, but next to Craig he seems like a pussy. The TV commercials are right: DC is the best Bond ever.
This overweight maniac couldn't even manage to play himself. Ambiguity was lost in translation and don vito-like sputterances.
Best Actress:
Worst Actress:
Rachel Weisz in The Fountain
 Kate Beckinsale in Underworld:Evolution
Who else could deliver the ridiculous line, "Together we will live forever" with such elegance? Weisz plays kul-a-shay from queen to tree.
 It's pretty bad when even a hot chick can't save a joke film, but Beckinsale's shit acting isn't enough to even keep my goth friends interested.
Best Album:
Worst Album:
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not (Arctic Monkeys)
Ys (Joanna Newsom)
'06 was a pretty bad year for music. Arctic Monkeys was the least of the evils, and provided enough drunken air guitar entertainment for the entire year.
 Maybe I'm naive, but the "so bad it's good" idea is no idea ut'ull. What's the point of 12 minute long screeching randomness? Straight puke.
Best Song:
Worst Song:
"Get 'Em Daddy (Remix)" by Cam'Ron
"Yeah Yeah Yeah Song" by Flaming Lips
It's impossible not to look tough listening to this on your ipod whilst walking through a crowd. Just try to walk normal. You'll see.
What a let down! The Lips follow up Yoshimi with this crap song (and video) about fake power. Even The Pussycat Dolls song had substance!
Best Tour:
Worst Tour:
Art Brut
All-American Rejects
AB busts up the mass with their insane antics. As the band prances around the stage, the molester-mustached singer tippy-toes into infamy.
Not only is their music god-awful, but the poser of a singer somehow manages to say the dumbest shit between each and every song they play.
Best TV Show:
Worst TV Show:
American Idol
I actually like the new direction of the show... I don't think it's getting too weird, I think it's finally getting interesting!
Star Search was a good show. This is simply a karaoke contest judged by a bunch of hacks. Even the contestants are jokes in real life. Die.
Best Radio Program:
Worst Radio Program:
Coast to Coast AM
The Rush Limbaugh Show
George Noory takes C2C to the top once again. As the scary stories keep me awake, I can forget about all that crap I need to do in the morning.
I usally take what this guy says with a grain of cocaine, but 2006 was a bad year for Rush, as he decided to attack Marty McFly himself. Oops.
Best Magazine:
Worst Magazine:
Time Out
New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody talk about...Hmmm? Pop Music, Art, Comedy, Theater, Film, Events, etc. etc. etc. etc.
Who reads this thing? Women? Gay men? I think neither. The only thing this boner-gawk magazine is good for is a white elephant gift.
Best Athlete:
Worst Athlete:
Gianluigi Buffon
Troy Smith
If Buffon hadn't blocked so many shots on goal, France may have been the champions. Thank you Godluigi. Buy Puma.
 Huh? He wins the Heisman then gets sacked like 50 times to lose the championship! Smith will soon be a legend but meantime he is a real loser.
Best Sport's Moment:
Worst Sport's Moment:
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Romo blows it
The best thing about the fight was that it came out of nowhere. Without instigation, the Miami adminisration wasn't sure who to suspend.
It's a sad day whenever a fat fanatic couch potato can do better than a pro athlete. If I didn't hate Troy Smith, Romo would also win worst athlete.
Best Artist:
Worst Artist:
Rob Sheridan
Jerry Allen Brem
About 90% of everything I make somehow ends up being a rip-off of the NIN photographer / cinemetographer / web designer.
Brem paints cows like a 5 year old, and, not having a venue to show these monsters in, puts them up for sale in Austin ice cream shops.
Best Website:
Worst Website:
Why pay for movies, music and applications? This members-only torrent site is less-monitored than piratebay but has just as many tunes.
A simple google search for song lyrics will point you to this non-working website full of annoying ads and pop-ups. Why does it even exist?
Best Car:
Worst Car:
Cadillac SRX
Chevy Silverado
This is worth it's weight in gas. XM radio, warming seats, auto mirrors, crash warning system, and room for sex. You can ride dirty in this car.
The commercial alone made this the worst vehicle of 2006. After portraying "our" country as a backwoods wasteland, this is NOT my truck.
Best Drug:
Worst Drug:
The ADHD cure-all works wonders for normal people. It puts you in hyper-focus without all the nasty side effects of smoking crack.
Cigarettes got to me in 2006. After a month-long coughing fit, I decided it was time to quit, but couldn't because they are addictive! Help!
Best Store
Worst Store:
The Apple Store
Where else can you check your email, attend a seminar, and make fun of geeks all for free? Only problem: crowds of people asking about iphones.
Sure, everything's 80% off, but only because it's throwaways from real department stores. Don't expect that discount on your returns, either.
Best Restaurant:
Worst Restaurant:
Madam Mam's (Austin, TX)
Fino (Austin, TX)
Chooing your delicious Thai dish is as easy as sitting at a traffic light. Red is sweet. Green is spicy. Yellow is somewhere in between. Mmmmm.
This pretentious strip mall establishment attracts only the finest wankers. Their specialty: Tiny portions of fish food and watered-down gin.
Best Food:
Worst Food:
Buffalo Chicken Wings
Canned Peaches
Who cares if they're messy? These tender little delights are good any time of the day, and even go with beer. I could eat about a gagillion.
Beets almost took the crown here, but peaches reign supreme as nastiest slime ball food. 4th year in a row, will it make it a 5th? Time will tell.
Best Hang Out:
Worst Hang Out:
Doyle's (Clinton, IA)
New York Public Library
Without anyone to impress, you can get away with anything in this local bar. Pitcher's of beer are only $2 and they don't card minors. Sweet.
A great place for A/C on a hot day, but I thought people only "shhh'd" you in movies. Even youngsters will tell you to "please keep it down."
Best Accesory:
Worst Accesory:
Burger King Star Wars Watch
These reversable timepieces actually give you 2 wicked watch designs in one. Plus you can find the entire set (6 watches) on ebay for only 99¢.
I welcomed the return of the babysitters club until I saw some fat chick sporting these. Trendy snowpants would be a good compromise.
Best Hair-Do:
Worst Hair-Do:
Hair in general is kind of disgusting. It's just dead cells and requires too much maintenance. Bald guys can cut their own hair and save on toiletries.
This is just plan gross. I heard that you can't even wash your hair when you have dredlocks! At least Medusa could shampoo her snakes.

Top 5 Reviews: Movie Scenes
TOP 5 - Movie Scenes Ever

What makes a great movie scene? A great performance? A good script? Nope: Bat-signals.

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